Had a very good “let out” session today.  Haven’t been crying that hard for a long long time.  I think deep down I am grieving something.  Only God knows what exactly that is.  I can’t even pinpoint what it is.  But I believe it’s good cry.

The longer I live my life, the more I come to understand our emotions.

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離離… …別別


然而,慢慢悟到,離別是最切實的機會 . 去 . 學習 .



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Sophia’s first fever since birth – December 17, 2010.
Dec. 17, Fri: she slept from 10:30am to 4:30pm, up for some food, played a bit, and was ready to go to sleep again before 8pm.
Dec. 18, Sat: she woke up at 8am, had breakfast, cuddled in mommy’s arms and fell asleep again at 9:30am.  Slept all the way till 3:30pm.  Up for some congee and milk, ready to get back to sleep again at 4:30pm, and slept all the way till the next day.

Dec. 19, Sun: After skipping dinner last night.  She woke up with an empty stomach at around 8am.  Temperature was down to normal.  Gulped down 3 cups of milk.  Cuddled in mommy’s arms for an hour, and was ready to sleep again.  At 1pm, she woke up, had lunch, and down again at 2:30pm…

With this sick and sleepy baby at home, mommy got a lot of bonus quiet time (while daddy brought Alethia out for dinner on Sat and to church on Sun morning).

It has been a long, long time since I have this big chucks of time being alone, yes, not just a big chuck, but chuckS.  I should give thanks that even though baby is sick, she is a very easy-to-handle sick baby.  All she needs is rest, rest and rest, so as long as we provide her a cozy bed and a quiet room, she could sleep for very long.

Back to my bonus…all these ME times remind me of the days with no kids.  It’s almost like ancient time that I do not need to attend to other people’s needs to spend my time.  And I came to realize that living a balanced life is very important.  A lot of time my exhaustion and frustration do not solely come from the physical, tedious tasks related to taking care of the family; in fact, it is more the repetition, the dullness, and the lack of excitement of life that drain me away.

I hope I can find a balance in my life, and that I live a joyful, passionate and meaningful one every day.

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What am I doing? What do I want?

Husband’s busy finishing up his courseworks these few weeks = staying late at school.  I know my girls (especially Alethia) would love to spend as much time with daddy as possible so I suggested to bring the girls to Regent at night to have dinner with daddy yesterday.

So yesterday afternoon I planned to cook and bring the food to husband’s school and eat together.  I meant good.  Several things came on my mind when this dinner idea popped – 1) this would bring some motivation and relaxed time to husband in the midst of his battle with papers writing; 2) I got to get out of the house with the girls; 3) Alethia and Sophia got to spend some time with daddy; 4) Husband got to have some healthier food.

While I was prepping for the food in the afternoon – I felt so tired, stressed, and annoyed by the girls kept bugging me.
I lost patient toward the girls, and I was mad at myself – why did I always turn good intention into angry, bitter and upset ending.  What am I doing!  What do I want!

I am too greedy.  A lot of times I want the most out of everything, unrealistically.  I need to learn to live with limitations; I need to learn to live with lower expectations toward myself and my family;  I need to really think about what I am made to live my life and how I could live it out.

When I see Alethia getting frustrated at playdates or lost her temper in the tiniest things like cannot pull her pants up after pee-ing.  I am upset with her behavior but I am more upset with my own behavior – that she must have picked up how to react through her mommy.

I can rely on no one but my Creator.  Remember me, and have mercy on me.

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Today’s reflection

I find it hard to really set aside a long-enough time to quiet down and reflect.  Often times even when I sit down and read, my heart is pounding fast and there is always a hurrying feeling inside.

The most I can do is to quickly jot down what thoughts touches me and hopefully I will be able to come back and continue my reflections.

So, today, as I read Levi 8:1-36, I read 2 things –
1)  v.34 Everything we have done today was commanded by the Lord in order to purify you, making you right with him.
2) Ordination for all Christians

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…I went down for nap with Alethia this afternoon.  Slept for an hour, and it is very refreshing.  Even though I still have that “guilty” feeling before I fell asleep, I am definitely energized when I woke up.  I yet have to figure out what is that “guilty” feeling and tackle with it.

…This morning after breakfast, I practiced walking with Sophia.  She did make several steps from the table to me without holding onto anything.  I just enjoyed seeing the satisfied smile on her.  She is proud of herself, and apparently she loves the feeling of being able to walk.  My cute baby…I can just stare at her and do nothing the whole day, and she knows how to melts your heart!

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Today’s reminder

As important as it is for us to offer worship to God through our songs and prayers, we need to worship him by making sure that our relationships are right as well.

(Levi 6, Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount)

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In Leviticus, there are long passages saying about different kinds of offering.

I have been reading about sin offering these 2 days.

It is not about the materials.  It is more than this.

Offering is a kind of practice, a kind of discipline – a training to submissiveness, a kind of action that brings out deeper meaning than what you offer upon to the Lord.

I pray that I don’t read and stop at just seeing all the tedious steps of different kinds of offerings.  Help me understand what’s behind it.

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