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Had a very good “let out” session today.  Haven’t been crying that hard for a long long time.  I think deep down I am grieving something.  Only God knows what exactly that is.  I can’t even pinpoint what it is.  But I believe it’s good cry.

The longer I live my life, the more I come to understand our emotions.


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離離… …別別


然而,慢慢悟到,離別是最切實的機會 . 去 . 學習 .



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Sophia’s first fever since birth – December 17, 2010.
Dec. 17, Fri: she slept from 10:30am to 4:30pm, up for some food, played a bit, and was ready to go to sleep again before 8pm.
Dec. 18, Sat: she woke up at 8am, had breakfast, cuddled in mommy’s arms and fell asleep again at 9:30am.  Slept all the way till 3:30pm.  Up for some congee and milk, ready to get back to sleep again at 4:30pm, and slept all the way till the next day.

Dec. 19, Sun: After skipping dinner last night.  She woke up with an empty stomach at around 8am.  Temperature was down to normal.  Gulped down 3 cups of milk.  Cuddled in mommy’s arms for an hour, and was ready to sleep again.  At 1pm, she woke up, had lunch, and down again at 2:30pm…

With this sick and sleepy baby at home, mommy got a lot of bonus quiet time (while daddy brought Alethia out for dinner on Sat and to church on Sun morning).

It has been a long, long time since I have this big chucks of time being alone, yes, not just a big chuck, but chuckS.  I should give thanks that even though baby is sick, she is a very easy-to-handle sick baby.  All she needs is rest, rest and rest, so as long as we provide her a cozy bed and a quiet room, she could sleep for very long.

Back to my bonus…all these ME times remind me of the days with no kids.  It’s almost like ancient time that I do not need to attend to other people’s needs to spend my time.  And I came to realize that living a balanced life is very important.  A lot of time my exhaustion and frustration do not solely come from the physical, tedious tasks related to taking care of the family; in fact, it is more the repetition, the dullness, and the lack of excitement of life that drain me away.

I hope I can find a balance in my life, and that I live a joyful, passionate and meaningful one every day.

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What am I doing? What do I want?

Husband’s busy finishing up his courseworks these few weeks = staying late at school.  I know my girls (especially Alethia) would love to spend as much time with daddy as possible so I suggested to bring the girls to Regent at night to have dinner with daddy yesterday.

So yesterday afternoon I planned to cook and bring the food to husband’s school and eat together.  I meant good.  Several things came on my mind when this dinner idea popped – 1) this would bring some motivation and relaxed time to husband in the midst of his battle with papers writing; 2) I got to get out of the house with the girls; 3) Alethia and Sophia got to spend some time with daddy; 4) Husband got to have some healthier food.

While I was prepping for the food in the afternoon – I felt so tired, stressed, and annoyed by the girls kept bugging me.
I lost patient toward the girls, and I was mad at myself – why did I always turn good intention into angry, bitter and upset ending.  What am I doing!  What do I want!

I am too greedy.  A lot of times I want the most out of everything, unrealistically.  I need to learn to live with limitations; I need to learn to live with lower expectations toward myself and my family;  I need to really think about what I am made to live my life and how I could live it out.

When I see Alethia getting frustrated at playdates or lost her temper in the tiniest things like cannot pull her pants up after pee-ing.  I am upset with her behavior but I am more upset with my own behavior – that she must have picked up how to react through her mommy.

I can rely on no one but my Creator.  Remember me, and have mercy on me.

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Today’s reflection

I find it hard to really set aside a long-enough time to quiet down and reflect.  Often times even when I sit down and read, my heart is pounding fast and there is always a hurrying feeling inside.

The most I can do is to quickly jot down what thoughts touches me and hopefully I will be able to come back and continue my reflections.

So, today, as I read Levi 8:1-36, I read 2 things –
1)  v.34 Everything we have done today was commanded by the Lord in order to purify you, making you right with him.
2) Ordination for all Christians

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